Christopher Quilici: 10 Things I've Learned in 4 Years

...only recently have I realized what it really means to risk. To risk is to have something incredible to gain, and something terrible to lose. I want to take risks in my life that end amazingly, and I want some to go wrong. Maybe not horribly so, but they can’t all go well.

Christopher Quilici from the Department of Theatre & Dance addressed the College of Fine and Performing arts graduates on June 13, 2015.

Well, I’ll be honest. I don’t fancy myself to be some amazingly eloquent speaker. I don’t expect to change your life or blow your mind.

I don’t even really expect you to remember most of what I’m about to say. You’re probably too hyped up on adrenaline. But my hope is that maybe one thing sticks for one person in this whole gathering of people. So what I’ve done

is compile a list of ten things that I’ve learned over the past four years. There were more than ten, but I’m working on being more precise. So here we go.

One: be kind, not nice. Kindness is telling someone that a part of their paper isn’t working, instead of just saying nice things about it. Kindness is letting someone know that they’ve crossed a line or hurt someone’s feelings, instead of brushing it off and avoiding the conflict. Kindness is discretely pointing out the hole in a person’s pants, rather than letting them think no one can see it, because everyone can see it. Learn to be kind, not nice.

Two: have Will and Grace. I don’t mean own the DVD’s to the show Will & Grace. But have both the will to go out and the grace to receive. Will, willpower you could call it, is exactly what you think: the ability to forge on, stick to your guns, stay on track for yourself. Grace, on the other hand, is about taking others in, going with the flow, letting the track change course when needed. It’s important to have both in your everyday life, and to let them balance as needed by the situation or group of people. Both, I’ve found, are appreciated for their own reasons, and one shouldn’t be present without the other.

Three: always remember you don’t know everything. People are infinitely complex, and I have put my foot in my mouth, figuratively, an astonishing number of times. I was the TA for a class that trained rigorously in physical disciplines, and one day we were doing a particularly difficult exercise that a few students had very visceral, emotional reactions to. Two students in particular seemed to withdraw from the exercise a little because they were so overwhelmed. And I think, honestly, I snap-judged them. I didn’t know that just before class, one had found out they had lost a relative, and the other had their heart broken completely. I didn’t know everything.

Four: don’t let things fester. We, in the Pacific Northwest, are apparently famous for our passive aggressive ways of dealing with conflict. We’ve all experienced the friend who suppresses their feelings about something until it reaches a boiling point, and then just explodes. Don’t be that person. It’s not healthy for you or the people around you. Yeah, easier said than done, but if you let things fester inside you, it will always end up worse than if you just talk about it.

Five: be intelligent and open-minded. Yes, I’m putting this on the list. It’s obvious, it’s cliché, I know. So why do we have to keep repeating it? One of my professors defined true intelligence as being able to accept a notion without having to subscribe to it. We have a terrible time in this country understanding each other’s points of view. But if we go in with the attitude that we can accept something without subscribing to it, what the hell, it might work. The merit is found in the trying.

Six: take risks. For years, I believed I knew how to do this. But only recently have I realized what it really means to risk. To risk is to have something incredible to gain, and something terrible to lose. I want to take risks in my life that end amazingly, and I want some to go wrong. Maybe not horribly so, but they can’t all go well. Because without all the bad, how can I appreciate all the good? They really, sincerely, cannot exist without one another.

Seven: learn through the doing. I am a talker, and most of my professors, most of my friends and family, will tell you that I talk a lot. But in the last four years, I’ve learned the most by just getting up and doing. During a group project I did last year, there was a specific part of our performance that we couldn’t figure out. We talked for a while trying to re-work it, and we were getting more and more frustrated. We took a five minute break, came back, and just tried something entirely new on our feet. And we knew, instantly, that was it. Without talking for thirty more minutes, we just knew. We learned through the doing.

Eight: failure is good. Oh my god, I cannot stress enough how important this is. Failure is amazing. In a class I took my sophomore year, we actually celebrated failure. We jumped up and down, screaming and yelling and clapping, when someone messed up. And it was instantly okay for us to try new things. We lost our fear of failure, and everyone was the bolder for it. Quite frankly, all of us here will fail. Everyone. Sorry to break it to you, but not everything in your life will go perfectly, and when you fail, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I will learn ten times more by failing, and be stronger because of it.

Nine: practice gratitude. The word “thank” is a verb, and very much an action. Never let yourself be passive in thanking others, be proactive. It wasn’t too long ago that I figured out how much I need people. I can’t do almost anything without those around me. Yes, independence and freedom and the American Dream and blah blah blah. But really, truly, you need people in your life. Even if you prefer being alone or you’re not a people person, you really do need people. Remember that, and thank them for what they do.

Ten: go full-tilt. Invest, in yourself, in others, and in what you’re doing with your life. Don’t ever do something halfway, or half… you know, butt. Don’t half-butt it. Full-butt it. Empty your proverbial gas tank every time, and don’t leave anything undone or unsaid. You’ve got one life, so don’t coast, hit the gas, floor it, even if you fail. Because that’s okay, remember? Might as well do it to the max.

So that’s my ten things. Maybe something stuck for you, maybe not. If you can, go home and write your own ten things. And if you straight up cannot remember anything else, just remember this: be a good person. Just, seriously, be a good person. That’s all.

Thank you.